My life so far

My life so far has been full of ups and downs. Good times and bad times. Its a terrible shame that the bad times greatly outweigh the good. But i am a strong believer that everything in life, be it good or bad, happens for a reason. My life may not have gone the way i would have liked it to, but it's because of the way my life went, that i am the person i am today. I just read a blog entry by my cousin Carol. It talks about following your dreams. This got me thinking. It has always been my dream to sing. From a really young age, all i have ever dreamt about  is singing on stage infront of thousends of people. I am so passionate about my singing that i have performed at the Cramphorn Theatre, done a gig with my cousin Dave and his friend Dean, done the BTECH 1st Diploma in Performing Arts at college and even auditioned twice for the X-Factor. My parents have always known how much i love to sing. I used to tell them all the time that i wanted to be a singer when i grew up. Mum and Dad always used to laugh it off telling me not to be so stupid, i would never make it because i cant sing. This is quite funny really when they have never actually heard me sing. My nan came to see me on stage at the Cramphorn theatre. It was a dance show (something else i quite enjoy doing) and i got to sing at the end of it. I did a song called Dreaming of You by a Mexican American singer called Selena (Selena Quintenilla Perez). My nan came over to me after the show and said ''before today i honestly didn't think you could sing, but you have just proven me wrong. I'm proud of you''. I couldn't believe it. No one had ever told me they were proud of me. I was 16 at the time. It made my day. I would love to be given the opportunity to sing infront of a large crowd again. Although i seriously doubt i will. If i did, i think i would die and go to heaven. Especially if i got to sing with Amy Lee (Evanescence).

Settling into motherhood part 2

We left the hospital early afternoon the day after Jaydon was born. Life was certainly going to be different now that i had 2 children to look after. But i was more than prepared for the challenge. We arrived back home and i announced the birth of my son on Facebook. Once i had done this, i sent Val a text message to say that we were home and she could bring Melissa back when she was ready. Less than an hour later, my beautiful daughter was home. As soon as Tony opened the door to her, Melissa started sobbing. She had really missed us. According to Val, Melissa had been very quiet at hers, refusing to move from the spot on the sofa where she had been placed. My daughter was pining for me. It broke my heart to hear this. It broke my heart even more to see the look on my daughters face when she saw me again. She looked really sad and withdrawn. Tony and Myself took it in turns to cuddle her. Obviously this was more difficult considering we now had a newborn to look after aswell, but we managed to look after Jaydon and comfort Melissa. That night was difficult. She had to sleep in with Me and Tony as she was extremely irritable. Melissa didn't take to her brother straight away. Instead she would scream at him. However, it did not take long. The following day she became intrigued by him and was constantly kissing him. We had a couple more frights with Jaydon after we got home from the hospital. First, Jaydon went blue around the lips again (but again, was ok once i gently shook his shoulder and gave him a dummy), and second, i went to feed him and he wouldn't move. Turned out he was just in a deep sleep. We took him upto the Post Natal Ward to be checked over anyway. All his vitals were fine. We were allowed to take him home. When Jaydon was 5 days old, we had another midwife visit. She informed us that Jaydon's platelet count was normal and therefore it is highly unlikely that he has Haemophilia. Phew.

Meeting Baby Number 2

I got to 39 weeks and 3 days into the pregnancy and it was time to be induced. The day of the induction, Melissa was picked up by My cousins stepdaughter Emily and was taken to my Cousin Val's. Me and Tony went upto the hospitals day assessment unit and i had a pessary fitted. This was fitted at 10:30am and by 4:30pm i was allowed to go home. We went home and enjoyed a peaceful evening infront of the telly with an indian takeaway. We went to bed that night, but early hours of the morning i was awoken with pains in my lower stomach and back. I tried to ignore it and get some sleep but the pains persisted. That morning after getting hardly any sleep, i phoned the day assessment unit and explained the pains to them. I was advised that i was in established labour and was to get myself upto the labour ward. Because of the fact i was on crutches, Tony decided to phone for an ambulance to take us up there. We arrived at the hospital (me already high on the gas and air. lol) and were taken straight to the labour ward. On the labour ward, it was decided i was no where near ready to deliver. I was still only 1cm dilated. This was going to be a very long day. I was moved onto the day assessment unit where i was given another pessary and was put on a monitor to check baby's heartbeat and my contractions. Throughout the course of the day i was allowed to go wandering and to use a birthing ball to try and get baby to move further down into my pelvis. As the day went on, my contractions grew stronger but were still only every 3-4minutes apart. By 7pm i was moved back onto the labour ward and at 7:30pm my waters were broken for me. As soon as my waters went, the contractions grew more intense immediately and were also alot more frequent. Every 30secs approx. I was in so much pain, there is no way i could have coped without the gas and air and the pethedine. By 10pm i was ready to push. Baby Jaydon was born at 10:15pm weighing 7lbs 4 oz. Blood was taken from his umbilical cord to test for Haemophilia. I was so exhausted, i had a nap. I woke about an hour later and went to have a look at my gorgeous son. I had the fright of my life when i noticed he was blue around the lips. I gently shook his shoulder and the poor little mite jumped out of his skin. I gave him a dummy and thankfully he was ok. But it really did shake me up seeing him like that. The following morning, the usual tests were done on Jaydon (hearing etc). Apparently he had alot of fluid in his left ear so an appointment was booked for the hearing test to be done at a later date at springfield green clinic. We were discharged later that day and went home. Finally i could see my little princess, my darling Melissa again. I missed her so much.

One Hectic 9 Months

3 months after Melissa's birthday, i discovered i was once again expecting. I had my suspicions as i had started feeling sick and my boobs were sore. lol. Tony and I were really pleased as we were trying for another baby anyway. We wanted a little brother or sister for Melissa. We agreed that we would love to have a boy so that we had 1 of each but also agreed that it didn't matter either way. We would be just as happy with another girl. Just after i discovered i was pregnant again, it was Tony's birthday. We didn't do anything unfortunately as money was a little tight at the time. A couple of weeks after Tony's Birthday, we moved once again to the house we are in now. The reason for our move was simple. The property we were in was in a shocking state. It is built on the back of a hairdressers and is only separated by some ply wood. Our only exit in case of fire was through the kitchen. We did not have a hallway or front door. Only a back door. The stairs were steep, narrow and spiral. The shower room (if you can even call it that) with toilet was attached to the living room. There were holes in the walls that if you looked through, you could see outside. Bugs and slugs were constantly getting in. There was a huge ants nest in the kitchen that we were practically at war with. Our living room was so tiny, you could barely breathe in there. There was no room to allow Melissa to play on the floor. This in itself made me feel terrible because i knew how important floor time is for a child, but i couldn't allow her to. It is because of all of this, that the councils environmental health enforcement team issued a prohibition order on the property, making it illegal (once we had moved) for the landlord to let the property out to anyone else. The new property is so much better, although i am not so keen on the area. But enough about housing issues. lol. Lets get back to the pregnancy. As with my last pregnancy, i had lots of hospital and midwife appointments. I found out at my 20 week scan that i was expecting a boy. In my heart i knew it was a boy anyway. Everything about this pregnancy felt different. I was even carrying differently. The only problem with having a boy is the fact that on my mums side of the family, there is a history of Haemophilia. Girls only carry the gene but do not have the condition itself. Boys on the other hand can suffer the condition. This means that when my son was born, the midwife who delivers him would have to take a sample of his blood from the umbilical cord for testing. I had a fairly tough time with this pregnancy. Blood tests, SPD, Heartburn, the usual. lol. Thankfully i did not suffer with low blood pressure this time though. I did however end up in the day assessment unit at Broomfield Hospital because of super pubic pain. I found sometimes it would be so bad, i couldn't even lift my legs to climb in or out of the bath. The pain was excruciating. I also had an oedema in my legs and feet apparently. lol. Thank goodness they were going to induce me.

Melissa's First Birthday

No sooner was the wedding over than it was time to start planning Melissa's first birthday. I had already decided that i would have a little party for her with a few family members. Nothing too big as she wouldn't be able to fully appreciate it anyway. lol. I bought her a waybuloo toy named De Li. Its this pink cat thing. lol. I got in a load of pink balloons and lots of party food and soft drinks. I had also made it perfectly clear when inviting family over that my sister Lisa's Husband Rory was not invited. Certainly not after the nuisance he caused at my wedding reception. There was no way i was going to have anybody ruin my little girls birthday. I told Lisa this and she was fine with it. She understood. Rory on the other hand was a little annoyed about it. But i couldn't care less how he felt. After all, this was not about him. It was about my little girl. The big day came, the balloons were all blown up and stuck to the walls with cellotape, party food was layed out. It looked really good. The only thing left was for the guests to arrive. They soon started arriving, the music was put on and everyone started getting into the party spirit. Melissa got loads of presents. She was truly spoilt. lol. Although, just like with Christmas, she was more interested in the wrapping paper. lol. Bless her. Everyone had a really good time. I did have to keep telling mum off though as she kept on trying to offer sugary foods to my nan who is diabetic. lol. But it was a really good day. I was a little dissappointed that Andrea couldn't come with her partner and 2 children as she was apparently ill. This meant that Melissa was the only child at her party. lol. But it didn't really matter too much. Lisa bought Melissa's birthday cake with a big number 1 candle to go on it. It was a Disney Princess cake and it was very tasty. Melissa thoroughly enjoyed eating some of her cake. I was actually a little sad when the day was over as we had all had so much fun. Especially seeing as there was no Rory to make a prat out of himself. lol.

Wedding Madness

When Melissa was 10 months old, Tony and I got married. It had been fun planning my big day. I had my dress, tiara, bouquet and everything else sorted. I even laid out a lovely buffet ready for the reception back at mine after the wedding. Everything was going brilliantly. I woke up early on the morning of my big day and walked down to the hairdressers. My hairdresser Emma did a lovely job of my hair. I had it curled, pinned up at the side of my head and i had a sweeping side fringe.(the fringe was streightened). It really did look lovely. It was slightly embarrassing though walking back home with a tiara in my hair. lol. But i didn't really mind too much. I was just happy to be getting married. lol. Whilst i was up the hairdressers, Tony was at home getting himself and Melissa ready. Tony had had his hair done at the hairdressers 2 days previous. I had decided how it was to be done and i must say i was impressed with the result. I had even picked out Tony's wedding suit. He looked so handsome. Bless him. lol. And Melissa was a vision of cuteness in her outfit i bought her especially for the wedding. My cousin Nicky's hubby Bobo (not his real name) picked us up and escorted us to the register office where the ceremony was to take place. I felt like a princess in my stunning satin, strapless wedding dress with tiara being escorted to the wedding in a car with ribbons on. lol. We got to the register office and were called into a room where we had to sign a couple of forms and pay the rest of the money towards our marriage license. When that was done, the ceremony started. I was amazed to see how many people had turned up to share my big day with me. I was also very impressed with how lovely everyone looked. We entered the ceremony room to the Corrs playing in the background. The only bad thing was that Tony ended up having to hold Melissa whilst we said our vows as my mother broke her promise and decided to pick Melissa up. lol. We had warned her not to do this as Melissa didn't know her and would undoubtedly start crying. We were right. Other than that, the wedding was really enjoyable. After we said our vows and exchanged rings, our guests took photos and the wedding license was signed. We then all moved outside where more photos were taken before heading back to mine for the reception. The reception went really well untill my sister Lisa's hubby Rory decided to make a nuisance of himself. He was supposed to be on medication and therefore was not supposed to be drinking. He failed to mention this fact and therefore Tony was giving him glasses of whiskey and coke. Needless to say, Rory got a little drunk and fell over 4 times. He also kept on treading on the back of my wedding dress on purpose. This really p'd me off as i kept telling him not to and he wouldn't listen. Lisa had to call his sister to come and collect them to take them home. I was fuming. My perfect day had been ruined by one person who obviously had no consideration for anyone but himself. I soon cheered up though once he had gone. lol. And the rest of the day was a huge success. By the time the guests had all gone home, i was absolutely knackered. lol. I quite enjoyed just cuddling upto Tony on the sofa in pure silence. lol.

Settling into motherhood

I spent a second night in hospital as i had had Melissa so late in the evening. I was absolutely exhausted as i hadn't slept since the night before i was taken into hospital to have Melissa. I soon fell asleep and did not wake till about 7 in the morning. I remember looking at Melissa in the little cot they had put her in the night before and i felt nothing. This really confused me as when she was born all i wanted to do was hold her but now all of a sudden i felt nothing. It was almost as if i was looking at someone else's baby and not my own. I was suddenly aware of how scared i was. I was suddenly responsible for another person. I didn't have a clue what to do. How to look after her. All these questions i had. How do i feed her? How do i bath her? What if i do something wrong and end up accidentally hurting her? What kind of mother will i be? Will i be a good mum? Will she love me? I was terrified. I knew i wanted to try and breast feed her, but the midwives didn't show me how. As a result of this, i could not get her to latch on properly. I tried my hardest for 6 days after she was born but it had gotten so bad that i would cry everytime she needed feeding because it hurt so much. I decided to switch to bottle feeding. This was no easy decision, and i felt extremely guilty for a little while after. I felt as though i had failed as a mother. I thought i had let my little girl down.As the first few months passed i began to grow concerned about Melissa because she wasn't able to support her head by the time she should have been able to. She was like a raggy doll. Floppy. I mentioned it to my health visitor who booked us an appointment with the child specialist at St Johns. It turned out Melissa had a condition called Hypotonia which is basically a medical term for low muscle tone. This explained why she wouldn't latch on when i was trying to breast feed her. Thankfully it didn't affect her too much and she was supporting her head by the time she was 6 months old. During this time we also found out she had slight in-toeing of her feet. (her feet were bent inwards). This was not a major problem. The health visitor showed me how to massage her feet so that they would align themselves properly. It was around this time that i was diagnosed with post natal depression. I felt useless. Like nothing i did was good enough. Like i didn't deserve my daughter. I was prescribed anti depressants for this, but had to stop taking them as i started experiencing symptoms associated with Seratonin Syndrome. I was prescribed different anti depressants but suffered the same symptoms as with the last ones, so had to stop taking them aswell.  I haven't taken any anti depressants since then and i don't intend to either. For the second time in my life, i forced myself to get a grip. Except this time, it was different. This time i was doing it for my daughter. Not just for me. I promised myself that i was going to try to be the best mother i could be. I know i am not a perfect mother. I have my faults. I have my moments when i get agitated with my daughters screaming, stubborness etc. But then again, im sure i am not the only mother that gets like that. Sometimes i feel like screaming and running away. But when i look at my daughter and she smiles or kisses me, my heart melts. I know that i could not live without her. She is my world.