Settling into motherhood

I spent a second night in hospital as i had had Melissa so late in the evening. I was absolutely exhausted as i hadn't slept since the night before i was taken into hospital to have Melissa. I soon fell asleep and did not wake till about 7 in the morning. I remember looking at Melissa in the little cot they had put her in the night before and i felt nothing. This really confused me as when she was born all i wanted to do was hold her but now all of a sudden i felt nothing. It was almost as if i was looking at someone else's baby and not my own. I was suddenly aware of how scared i was. I was suddenly responsible for another person. I didn't have a clue what to do. How to look after her. All these questions i had. How do i feed her? How do i bath her? What if i do something wrong and end up accidentally hurting her? What kind of mother will i be? Will i be a good mum? Will she love me? I was terrified. I knew i wanted to try and breast feed her, but the midwives didn't show me how. As a result of this, i could not get her to latch on properly. I tried my hardest for 6 days after she was born but it had gotten so bad that i would cry everytime she needed feeding because it hurt so much. I decided to switch to bottle feeding. This was no easy decision, and i felt extremely guilty for a little while after. I felt as though i had failed as a mother. I thought i had let my little girl down.As the first few months passed i began to grow concerned about Melissa because she wasn't able to support her head by the time she should have been able to. She was like a raggy doll. Floppy. I mentioned it to my health visitor who booked us an appointment with the child specialist at St Johns. It turned out Melissa had a condition called Hypotonia which is basically a medical term for low muscle tone. This explained why she wouldn't latch on when i was trying to breast feed her. Thankfully it didn't affect her too much and she was supporting her head by the time she was 6 months old. During this time we also found out she had slight in-toeing of her feet. (her feet were bent inwards). This was not a major problem. The health visitor showed me how to massage her feet so that they would align themselves properly. It was around this time that i was diagnosed with post natal depression. I felt useless. Like nothing i did was good enough. Like i didn't deserve my daughter. I was prescribed anti depressants for this, but had to stop taking them as i started experiencing symptoms associated with Seratonin Syndrome. I was prescribed different anti depressants but suffered the same symptoms as with the last ones, so had to stop taking them aswell.  I haven't taken any anti depressants since then and i don't intend to either. For the second time in my life, i forced myself to get a grip. Except this time, it was different. This time i was doing it for my daughter. Not just for me. I promised myself that i was going to try to be the best mother i could be. I know i am not a perfect mother. I have my faults. I have my moments when i get agitated with my daughters screaming, stubborness etc. But then again, im sure i am not the only mother that gets like that. Sometimes i feel like screaming and running away. But when i look at my daughter and she smiles or kisses me, my heart melts. I know that i could not live without her. She is my world.