My life so far

My life so far has been full of ups and downs. Good times and bad times. Its a terrible shame that the bad times greatly outweigh the good. But i am a strong believer that everything in life, be it good or bad, happens for a reason. My life may not have gone the way i would have liked it to, but it's because of the way my life went, that i am the person i am today. I just read a blog entry by my cousin Carol. It talks about following your dreams. This got me thinking. It has always been my dream to sing. From a really young age, all i have ever dreamt about  is singing on stage infront of thousends of people. I am so passionate about my singing that i have performed at the Cramphorn Theatre, done a gig with my cousin Dave and his friend Dean, done the BTECH 1st Diploma in Performing Arts at college and even auditioned twice for the X-Factor. My parents have always known how much i love to sing. I used to tell them all the time that i wanted to be a singer when i grew up. Mum and Dad always used to laugh it off telling me not to be so stupid, i would never make it because i cant sing. This is quite funny really when they have never actually heard me sing. My nan came to see me on stage at the Cramphorn theatre. It was a dance show (something else i quite enjoy doing) and i got to sing at the end of it. I did a song called Dreaming of You by a Mexican American singer called Selena (Selena Quintenilla Perez). My nan came over to me after the show and said ''before today i honestly didn't think you could sing, but you have just proven me wrong. I'm proud of you''. I couldn't believe it. No one had ever told me they were proud of me. I was 16 at the time. It made my day. I would love to be given the opportunity to sing infront of a large crowd again. Although i seriously doubt i will. If i did, i think i would die and go to heaven. Especially if i got to sing with Amy Lee (Evanescence).

Settling into motherhood part 2

We left the hospital early afternoon the day after Jaydon was born. Life was certainly going to be different now that i had 2 children to look after. But i was more than prepared for the challenge. We arrived back home and i announced the birth of my son on Facebook. Once i had done this, i sent Val a text message to say that we were home and she could bring Melissa back when she was ready. Less than an hour later, my beautiful daughter was home. As soon as Tony opened the door to her, Melissa started sobbing. She had really missed us. According to Val, Melissa had been very quiet at hers, refusing to move from the spot on the sofa where she had been placed. My daughter was pining for me. It broke my heart to hear this. It broke my heart even more to see the look on my daughters face when she saw me again. She looked really sad and withdrawn. Tony and Myself took it in turns to cuddle her. Obviously this was more difficult considering we now had a newborn to look after aswell, but we managed to look after Jaydon and comfort Melissa. That night was difficult. She had to sleep in with Me and Tony as she was extremely irritable. Melissa didn't take to her brother straight away. Instead she would scream at him. However, it did not take long. The following day she became intrigued by him and was constantly kissing him. We had a couple more frights with Jaydon after we got home from the hospital. First, Jaydon went blue around the lips again (but again, was ok once i gently shook his shoulder and gave him a dummy), and second, i went to feed him and he wouldn't move. Turned out he was just in a deep sleep. We took him upto the Post Natal Ward to be checked over anyway. All his vitals were fine. We were allowed to take him home. When Jaydon was 5 days old, we had another midwife visit. She informed us that Jaydon's platelet count was normal and therefore it is highly unlikely that he has Haemophilia. Phew.

Meeting Baby Number 2

I got to 39 weeks and 3 days into the pregnancy and it was time to be induced. The day of the induction, Melissa was picked up by My cousins stepdaughter Emily and was taken to my Cousin Val's. Me and Tony went upto the hospitals day assessment unit and i had a pessary fitted. This was fitted at 10:30am and by 4:30pm i was allowed to go home. We went home and enjoyed a peaceful evening infront of the telly with an indian takeaway. We went to bed that night, but early hours of the morning i was awoken with pains in my lower stomach and back. I tried to ignore it and get some sleep but the pains persisted. That morning after getting hardly any sleep, i phoned the day assessment unit and explained the pains to them. I was advised that i was in established labour and was to get myself upto the labour ward. Because of the fact i was on crutches, Tony decided to phone for an ambulance to take us up there. We arrived at the hospital (me already high on the gas and air. lol) and were taken straight to the labour ward. On the labour ward, it was decided i was no where near ready to deliver. I was still only 1cm dilated. This was going to be a very long day. I was moved onto the day assessment unit where i was given another pessary and was put on a monitor to check baby's heartbeat and my contractions. Throughout the course of the day i was allowed to go wandering and to use a birthing ball to try and get baby to move further down into my pelvis. As the day went on, my contractions grew stronger but were still only every 3-4minutes apart. By 7pm i was moved back onto the labour ward and at 7:30pm my waters were broken for me. As soon as my waters went, the contractions grew more intense immediately and were also alot more frequent. Every 30secs approx. I was in so much pain, there is no way i could have coped without the gas and air and the pethedine. By 10pm i was ready to push. Baby Jaydon was born at 10:15pm weighing 7lbs 4 oz. Blood was taken from his umbilical cord to test for Haemophilia. I was so exhausted, i had a nap. I woke about an hour later and went to have a look at my gorgeous son. I had the fright of my life when i noticed he was blue around the lips. I gently shook his shoulder and the poor little mite jumped out of his skin. I gave him a dummy and thankfully he was ok. But it really did shake me up seeing him like that. The following morning, the usual tests were done on Jaydon (hearing etc). Apparently he had alot of fluid in his left ear so an appointment was booked for the hearing test to be done at a later date at springfield green clinic. We were discharged later that day and went home. Finally i could see my little princess, my darling Melissa again. I missed her so much.

One Hectic 9 Months

3 months after Melissa's birthday, i discovered i was once again expecting. I had my suspicions as i had started feeling sick and my boobs were sore. lol. Tony and I were really pleased as we were trying for another baby anyway. We wanted a little brother or sister for Melissa. We agreed that we would love to have a boy so that we had 1 of each but also agreed that it didn't matter either way. We would be just as happy with another girl. Just after i discovered i was pregnant again, it was Tony's birthday. We didn't do anything unfortunately as money was a little tight at the time. A couple of weeks after Tony's Birthday, we moved once again to the house we are in now. The reason for our move was simple. The property we were in was in a shocking state. It is built on the back of a hairdressers and is only separated by some ply wood. Our only exit in case of fire was through the kitchen. We did not have a hallway or front door. Only a back door. The stairs were steep, narrow and spiral. The shower room (if you can even call it that) with toilet was attached to the living room. There were holes in the walls that if you looked through, you could see outside. Bugs and slugs were constantly getting in. There was a huge ants nest in the kitchen that we were practically at war with. Our living room was so tiny, you could barely breathe in there. There was no room to allow Melissa to play on the floor. This in itself made me feel terrible because i knew how important floor time is for a child, but i couldn't allow her to. It is because of all of this, that the councils environmental health enforcement team issued a prohibition order on the property, making it illegal (once we had moved) for the landlord to let the property out to anyone else. The new property is so much better, although i am not so keen on the area. But enough about housing issues. lol. Lets get back to the pregnancy. As with my last pregnancy, i had lots of hospital and midwife appointments. I found out at my 20 week scan that i was expecting a boy. In my heart i knew it was a boy anyway. Everything about this pregnancy felt different. I was even carrying differently. The only problem with having a boy is the fact that on my mums side of the family, there is a history of Haemophilia. Girls only carry the gene but do not have the condition itself. Boys on the other hand can suffer the condition. This means that when my son was born, the midwife who delivers him would have to take a sample of his blood from the umbilical cord for testing. I had a fairly tough time with this pregnancy. Blood tests, SPD, Heartburn, the usual. lol. Thankfully i did not suffer with low blood pressure this time though. I did however end up in the day assessment unit at Broomfield Hospital because of super pubic pain. I found sometimes it would be so bad, i couldn't even lift my legs to climb in or out of the bath. The pain was excruciating. I also had an oedema in my legs and feet apparently. lol. Thank goodness they were going to induce me.

Melissa's First Birthday

No sooner was the wedding over than it was time to start planning Melissa's first birthday. I had already decided that i would have a little party for her with a few family members. Nothing too big as she wouldn't be able to fully appreciate it anyway. lol. I bought her a waybuloo toy named De Li. Its this pink cat thing. lol. I got in a load of pink balloons and lots of party food and soft drinks. I had also made it perfectly clear when inviting family over that my sister Lisa's Husband Rory was not invited. Certainly not after the nuisance he caused at my wedding reception. There was no way i was going to have anybody ruin my little girls birthday. I told Lisa this and she was fine with it. She understood. Rory on the other hand was a little annoyed about it. But i couldn't care less how he felt. After all, this was not about him. It was about my little girl. The big day came, the balloons were all blown up and stuck to the walls with cellotape, party food was layed out. It looked really good. The only thing left was for the guests to arrive. They soon started arriving, the music was put on and everyone started getting into the party spirit. Melissa got loads of presents. She was truly spoilt. lol. Although, just like with Christmas, she was more interested in the wrapping paper. lol. Bless her. Everyone had a really good time. I did have to keep telling mum off though as she kept on trying to offer sugary foods to my nan who is diabetic. lol. But it was a really good day. I was a little dissappointed that Andrea couldn't come with her partner and 2 children as she was apparently ill. This meant that Melissa was the only child at her party. lol. But it didn't really matter too much. Lisa bought Melissa's birthday cake with a big number 1 candle to go on it. It was a Disney Princess cake and it was very tasty. Melissa thoroughly enjoyed eating some of her cake. I was actually a little sad when the day was over as we had all had so much fun. Especially seeing as there was no Rory to make a prat out of himself. lol.

Wedding Madness

When Melissa was 10 months old, Tony and I got married. It had been fun planning my big day. I had my dress, tiara, bouquet and everything else sorted. I even laid out a lovely buffet ready for the reception back at mine after the wedding. Everything was going brilliantly. I woke up early on the morning of my big day and walked down to the hairdressers. My hairdresser Emma did a lovely job of my hair. I had it curled, pinned up at the side of my head and i had a sweeping side fringe.(the fringe was streightened). It really did look lovely. It was slightly embarrassing though walking back home with a tiara in my hair. lol. But i didn't really mind too much. I was just happy to be getting married. lol. Whilst i was up the hairdressers, Tony was at home getting himself and Melissa ready. Tony had had his hair done at the hairdressers 2 days previous. I had decided how it was to be done and i must say i was impressed with the result. I had even picked out Tony's wedding suit. He looked so handsome. Bless him. lol. And Melissa was a vision of cuteness in her outfit i bought her especially for the wedding. My cousin Nicky's hubby Bobo (not his real name) picked us up and escorted us to the register office where the ceremony was to take place. I felt like a princess in my stunning satin, strapless wedding dress with tiara being escorted to the wedding in a car with ribbons on. lol. We got to the register office and were called into a room where we had to sign a couple of forms and pay the rest of the money towards our marriage license. When that was done, the ceremony started. I was amazed to see how many people had turned up to share my big day with me. I was also very impressed with how lovely everyone looked. We entered the ceremony room to the Corrs playing in the background. The only bad thing was that Tony ended up having to hold Melissa whilst we said our vows as my mother broke her promise and decided to pick Melissa up. lol. We had warned her not to do this as Melissa didn't know her and would undoubtedly start crying. We were right. Other than that, the wedding was really enjoyable. After we said our vows and exchanged rings, our guests took photos and the wedding license was signed. We then all moved outside where more photos were taken before heading back to mine for the reception. The reception went really well untill my sister Lisa's hubby Rory decided to make a nuisance of himself. He was supposed to be on medication and therefore was not supposed to be drinking. He failed to mention this fact and therefore Tony was giving him glasses of whiskey and coke. Needless to say, Rory got a little drunk and fell over 4 times. He also kept on treading on the back of my wedding dress on purpose. This really p'd me off as i kept telling him not to and he wouldn't listen. Lisa had to call his sister to come and collect them to take them home. I was fuming. My perfect day had been ruined by one person who obviously had no consideration for anyone but himself. I soon cheered up though once he had gone. lol. And the rest of the day was a huge success. By the time the guests had all gone home, i was absolutely knackered. lol. I quite enjoyed just cuddling upto Tony on the sofa in pure silence. lol.

Settling into motherhood

I spent a second night in hospital as i had had Melissa so late in the evening. I was absolutely exhausted as i hadn't slept since the night before i was taken into hospital to have Melissa. I soon fell asleep and did not wake till about 7 in the morning. I remember looking at Melissa in the little cot they had put her in the night before and i felt nothing. This really confused me as when she was born all i wanted to do was hold her but now all of a sudden i felt nothing. It was almost as if i was looking at someone else's baby and not my own. I was suddenly aware of how scared i was. I was suddenly responsible for another person. I didn't have a clue what to do. How to look after her. All these questions i had. How do i feed her? How do i bath her? What if i do something wrong and end up accidentally hurting her? What kind of mother will i be? Will i be a good mum? Will she love me? I was terrified. I knew i wanted to try and breast feed her, but the midwives didn't show me how. As a result of this, i could not get her to latch on properly. I tried my hardest for 6 days after she was born but it had gotten so bad that i would cry everytime she needed feeding because it hurt so much. I decided to switch to bottle feeding. This was no easy decision, and i felt extremely guilty for a little while after. I felt as though i had failed as a mother. I thought i had let my little girl down.As the first few months passed i began to grow concerned about Melissa because she wasn't able to support her head by the time she should have been able to. She was like a raggy doll. Floppy. I mentioned it to my health visitor who booked us an appointment with the child specialist at St Johns. It turned out Melissa had a condition called Hypotonia which is basically a medical term for low muscle tone. This explained why she wouldn't latch on when i was trying to breast feed her. Thankfully it didn't affect her too much and she was supporting her head by the time she was 6 months old. During this time we also found out she had slight in-toeing of her feet. (her feet were bent inwards). This was not a major problem. The health visitor showed me how to massage her feet so that they would align themselves properly. It was around this time that i was diagnosed with post natal depression. I felt useless. Like nothing i did was good enough. Like i didn't deserve my daughter. I was prescribed anti depressants for this, but had to stop taking them as i started experiencing symptoms associated with Seratonin Syndrome. I was prescribed different anti depressants but suffered the same symptoms as with the last ones, so had to stop taking them aswell.  I haven't taken any anti depressants since then and i don't intend to either. For the second time in my life, i forced myself to get a grip. Except this time, it was different. This time i was doing it for my daughter. Not just for me. I promised myself that i was going to try to be the best mother i could be. I know i am not a perfect mother. I have my faults. I have my moments when i get agitated with my daughters screaming, stubborness etc. But then again, im sure i am not the only mother that gets like that. Sometimes i feel like screaming and running away. But when i look at my daughter and she smiles or kisses me, my heart melts. I know that i could not live without her. She is my world.

Welcome Melissa

The final month of my pregnancy went rather smoothly apart from the pregnancy symptoms i was suffering and the SPD. By now though i was so tired and fed up. I had this huge bump that restricted me alot on what i could do. So i was relieved when on the night my daughter was due, i started getting pains in my stomach. I told Tony and we decided to wait and see how it went. The pains gradually got worse so an ambulance was called. I was taken to St Johns Hospital to the Labour Ward. They decided that i was no where near ready to deliver so i was moved onto the Mary Munion Ward for the night. I was told that someone would bring me some pain relief. But 4-5 hours after being told this, i still had not been given any relief. So i struggled on crutches to find a midwife to ask for some. They were all sitting around drinking cups of tea or coffee and having a laugh. They gave me some paracetamol. This did absolutely nothing for me. So a few hours later they decided to give me a shot of pethedine. I was moved onto the antenatal ward that day and the midwives kept fobbing us off saying they were going to break my waters at a certain time, and then changing their minds. This really angered Tony and he got pretty nasty with the midwives. After a few hours of fobbing us off, my sister Andrea had a word with them and they finally broke my waters. It was then that they admitted they would have had to break them anyway as my membrane was too thick and hard. I was glad that finally things were moving along. I went for a wander in order to get baby to engage. By now, the contractions were coming thick and fast. I barely had time to recover from the last one when i was suddenly hit with another. At about 9 that evening, i was taken back upto the labour ward where i was allowed another shot of pethedine and some gas and air. At 9:43pm my beautiful baby girl was born weighing 6lbs 7oz. She was perfect. Tony cut the cord. We had already decided on a name. We were going to call her Melissa Kelly. I couldn't wait to hold her. She was so tiny and precious. I just wanted to cry with joy. lol.

Preparing for Baby

My pregnancy was not very easy. I had lots of doctors , midwife and hospital appointments as the pregnancy was considered high risk. The reason being that i have what is known as a Pericentric Inversion of Chromosome 12, basically meaning that i have a broken chromosome. According to the geneticist i had seen before i conceived, the chromosome problem i have is one they have never seen before. They described it as a new mutation. They said that they did not know how this would affect me or any baby i carried (if i was even able to conceive at all). I also suffer with reactive depression caused by my life experiences and stress related fits (seizures). So needless to say, my pregnancy was very stressful. Add to this the fact that i suffered morning sickness all throughout the entire 9 months, chronic heartburn, leg cramps and low blood pressure, it is no wonder the doctors etc felt the need to keep a very close eye on me. We also had to move, Tony and I, as we were not allowed to stay in the studio flat once our landlord found out i was expecting. He moved us into a Bungalow in Galleywood that he owned. We were there for a few months and then were moved into a 2 bed house he owned in Broomfield. Towards the end of my pregnancy i started suffering SPD (Synthesis Pubis Dysfunction). This was very painful and as a result i ended up needing a maternity belt, large tubee grips for my stomach and crutches. Sometimes it got so bad i would be bent over trying to walk. I did not tell my family of my pregnancy untill i was 6 months into it for the simple reason that not only was i not talking to my sister Andrea at the time but i also did not need the grief of my parents asking if i would cope. I was under enough stress as it was. I told my dad after 6 months because i bumped into him in town and my pregnant belly was clearly visible. There was no way to hide it. Im glad i told dad now because even though he did ask how i would cope (like i suspected he would), it was because i told him that Andrea got in touch saying that she wanted to make amends and she had a load of baby bits for me. This was a huge help as even though i got a £500 maternity grant and a further £190 health in pregnancy grant, babies are so expensive to buy for. The extra help not only from Andrea but also from my mum and my darling Cousin Val really did help. Val bought some really cute little pink baby clothes for me when she found out i was expecting a girl. Another reason i am glad i told dad of the pregnancy is because around the time i told him, preparations were being made for the funeral of one of my dad's brothers. It was a very sad time for not only dad but the rest of the family aswell. Especially my uncles wife and 2 children. I believe that my pregnancy took dads mind off things a little and gave him something to look forward to. The birth of his grandaughter. I got to 8 months pregnant and was in town one day with Tony. We were standing outside the High Chelmer shopping centre when all of a sudden i collapsed again. I remember it was like a white cloud covered my eyes. I couldn't see. I remember saying 'oh god', and the next thing i am waking up on the ground with a load of people surrounding me. Tony looked panicked and i heard him telling someone that i was pregnant. I was taken again by ambulance to Broomfield Hospital where they did blood tests, checked my blood pressure and checked my heart aswell. It turned out i was fine. I just had slight concussion. We went home and i am glad to say that the final month of my pregnancy was rather uneventful. lol.

New Love

I remember the first time i ever met Tony. He had come to visit a female housemate of mine that he knew. We were all sitting on her double bed chatting away and i noticed Tony's fly's were undone. lol. I didn't dare say anything whilst my mate was in the room as i didn't want to embarrass Tony. I waited till she went to make coffee and then i told him. He went slightly red in the cheeks and then made a brilliant comeback. He commented on the fact that he could see the back of my thong and said it looked really sexy. lol. I told him he shouldn't be looking so he said i shouldn't have been looking at his fly's. I said that if i hadn't have been looking, he would have left with his zip down. lol. He didn't have an answer to that. lol. The next time i saw Tony after that was 2 months later. Like i said in my last blog entry, he came and never left. lol. He was so kind and helpful. He would give me money to feed him and do his washing and he would help with the housework. I shouldn't really have had him there, but i couldn't stand the thought of him sleeping on the streets. We started dating and a month later he bought me a ring and proposed. A lot of people could say that was too quick but i knew it was the right thing to do. So i said yes. lol. Our relationship was anything but easy. People were constantly interfering, trying to split us up. But we were strong and wouldn't let these people win. I gave up my room in the houseshare and we went to stay with my uncle Colin. It was whilst we were staying there that we were given some shocking news. You see, we had decided ages before that we wanted to have a baby together but for some reason it just wasn't happening. Tony had tests done and he was ok. The problem was with me. I wasn't ovulating due to PCOS. I was prescribed a course of Clomid and had appointments with a gynaecologist. After 6 months at Colins, we went to stay with a friend and from there we got our very first place together. Just the 2 of us. It was a pokey little studio flat above a butchers, but it was our home. It was there i discovered i was pregnant. Pure joy. We were so happy. But 5 weeks into the pregnancy i woke up early one morning in total agony. I was screaming. Tony called an ambulance which took me to Broomfield Hospital. From there, i was transferred via ambulance to St Johns Hospital. I found out a cyst had burst on my ovary causing the pain. They kept me on a drip for a few hours as i had collapsed outside the hospital due to low blood pressure. But other than that, i was fine and so was the little life growing inside me...................To be continued

Cherished Friend

One person who really helped me through these tough times was my dear friend Stephen (Steff as he was better known). He was a very close friend of mine who i met when i was in the night shelter in Colchester during the whole court case saga. 23 years my senior, i guess u could say he was kind of like a father figure to me. He was always there if i needed anything. He was such a kind, gentle, placid person. He changed my outlook on life. After what happened to me, i thought that all men were arseholes who were only after one thing and didn't care about anyone but themselves. Steff proved me wrong. During the time i knew Steff, i came to see him as a big brother type figure. He was always looking out for me. He always said that i was like the little sister he never had. I had 2 years getting to know Steff when he died. I was gutted. Never in my life had i had a friend quite like Steff. He was just 43 when he died. It was around this time that i learned of my parents plan to divorce. I wasn't in a relationship at the time so i decided to move back to Chelmsford. I got a room in a house share and found my new housemates to be quite entertaining. lol. Over the next few months, i settled into my new home, went upto Dunblane for 4 days, did a gig with my cousin Dave and his mate Dean and then met my now Husband Anthony (Tony as he is better known). He knew one of my housemates. Tony was in a bit of a rut at the time. He had been homeless at this point for 2 years. Me being the kind hearted person that i am could not stand the thought of him going hungry so i cooked him dinner and insisted he ate it. lol. He did as he was told. lol.  That was the first time i had ever met him. (i later learned that a niece of his was in my year in high school. eek. lol.). I didn't see him again after that for 2 months which i was quite dissappointed about as i had asked him to come round for a bologneise. I bought all the ingredients and he never turned up. Apparently that was because he was down in East Hanningfield. lol. Well, i must say i was very surprised when one morning whilst i was still in bed, there was a knock at the door and one of my housemates calls up to me and tells me Tony was at the door for me. He came in that day, drank tons of coffee to try and warm and wake up. lol. And he never left. That was the beginning of a whirlwind romance............To be continued

Moving on

I got back to Chelmsford and the first thing i did when i got off that train was light a cigarette. I sat at the bus stop outside the train station puffing furiously on my fag. The lady next to me was giving me funny looks and tutting, but i really couldn't care less. After all, she had no idea what i had just been through. How could she possibly understand? I finished my fag just in time for the bus to come along. I climbed on the bus, payed my fair and sat down. How was i going to explain this to my parents? How could they understand? Would they want to listen? Would they even believe me? That last question was the one that bothered me the most. I kept thinking about it through the entire bus journey. When i got to mum and dads, i just sat there for ages trying to avoid telling them. They wanted to know why they hadn't seen me for so long. Why i hadn't been in touch. All of a sudden it just came out. I couldn't hold it in. So i told them everything. Mum stood staring at me. Dad sat staring at the tv. Neither said a word. That really hurt. All i wanted was for them to throw their arms around me and tell me everything was going to be ok. That it wasn't my fault. And most importantly, that they loved me and would support me. They couldn't do that. They preferred just to forget i had said anything. I went to stay with my nan for a while. I got a job working in JJB Sports when it was in the high street. I didn't last long in that job as i felt victimised by the female manager. So i quit. I ended up back in the night shelter and was moved from there into a house share that was also owned by the shelter. It was during this time that i met my next boyfriend Charlie. He was so different to the guys i had been with before. He really was sweet. He was supportive. He ended up moving to Harwich so i moved upto Colchester to be closer to him. He was a massive support when John Ramsey went to court. He had been on remand for 7 months before it went to the crown court in Lewes, Sussex. Unfortunately Charlie couldn't be with me at the court case where i gave evidence via video link. But i understood. It couldn't be helped. I was put up in a hotel the night before the case at the expense of Sussex police. The hearing itself was quite traumatic. The cross examiner kept trying to make me out to be a liar. Although i do understand that is his job. I went back to Colchester the day of the hearing after i had given my evidence and i had a long wait before i found out the verdict. Not guilty. Those words cut through me like a knife. I remember thinking that if someone like John could get away with doing what he did then what exactly is the point in carrying on. I started making myself sick. I even attempted cutting my wrist with a fork. But i didn't do it properly. Thankfully. I went onto anti depressants and had counselling. The tablets helped a little but the counselling didn't. I couldn't see how a complete stranger could possibly understand. And besides, i found it really annoying how they would sit there nodding their head saying 'hmm yes' every few seconds. I decided that i couldn't put myself through this. So i forced myself to get a grip. I didn't want to let John win. I couldn't let him win. With Charlie in my life it was easier to deal with. I was with Charlie for a total of 16 months before we split. But we always stayed good friends. I got on with my life, dated a couple of other guys and just tried to put the past behind me.

The tough life of a young adult

It was whilst i was at my aunt and uncles in Danbury that i met my next boyfriend. A man by the name of John Ramsey. He was really sweet and considerate. He was staying in the night shelter as was a girl i knew. It was through this girl that i met John. I didn't much like him at first but as with most things in life, he kind of grew on me. lol. He seemed funny, kind, caring. Everything a girl could ask for in a boyfriend. He was 32 at the time and i was 18. I was very naive at that age and didn't have any real life experience. I decided i had had enough of Chelmsford. When i told him this, he suggested moving upto Brighton. Silly me agreed. We went to Brighton via coach. And for a couple of weeks when we got there, we slept rough. Something i am ashamed of to this day. After a couple of weeks, he bumped into a man he knew and we ended up being invited to stay with him. This is when i noticed a change in John. He went from being a really nice, caring guy to being moody and controlling. He made me claim income support and then took control of my money every time i got paid. He would take my money and spend most of it on him and his mates, drinking, doing drugs, getting their hair done. He would only buy the bare essentials where food is concerned. I had no say in how my money was spent. The food would last a few days and then we would have to live off bread. He was out everyday and because i didn't have a key to the property, i had to stay indoors day in, day out. The worst night of my life came one night at his friends when everyone had gone to bed. His mate slept on the sofa and me and John had the double bed. John seemed to be acting strange. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I soon found out. He raped me. I was numb with shock. I couldn't move. I just kept saying 'no, please no, it hurts, please stop, please'. He wouldn't listen. His mate knew nothing about what was happening as he was fast asleep on the sofa across the hallway. The next few days passed and i tryed to act normal for fear of what he might do next. 5 days after the attack, he had been out again all day. He came back at about 11pm shouting his mouth off at his mate. ''WHERE IS SHE, WHERE THE F**K IS SHE?'' He came storming into the bedroom and ordered me out of bed saying we were leaving. I got up like i was told and got dressed. I asked him where we were going. So he grabbed me round the throat and shouted at me never to question him again, just to do as i was told. We left his mates and he dragged me by the wrist all the way down along by the seafront in Eastbourne. Someone saw us and called the police as the next thing i knew, there were 5 or 6 police cars pulled up beside us and John was being wrestled to the ground and had pepper spray sprayed in his eyes.
I was in such a deep state of shock, i was talking gibberish. The female officers were asking me what happened, but i couldn't answer. I was a nervous wreck. All i could do was try to use hand gestures to explain what had happened. I couldn't speak. They arrested John and took him to a seperate police station to where they took me. The female officers were so kind. They bought me a KFC and got me drinks out of the police station vending machine. They even shared their fags with me. Once i had calmed down, i gave a statement. The following day, i was given a train ticket by the police to get back to Chelmsford with. On the journey home i couldn't stop crying, thinking about everything that had happened. I was just glad that i was ok. The main thing that kept playing on my mind was Johns last words to me as he was being arrested. ''If i ever see u again, u are f**king dead''..........To be continued

Life as a teenager

Holidays to Butlins, Skegness were one of the very few good things about my childhood. We used to enjoy going swimming, to see people dressed as giant cartoon characters. We even met the guy with the blue puppet thing from Playdays. lol. I remember one photo inparticular of mum when we were on holiday. It was taken in the caravan we stayed in. Mum was alot bigger then and was stuffing her face with fish, chips and buttered bread. lol.
Of course, as i entered my teenage years, the holidays became less frequent. I entered a rebellious stage in my life. I would argue with mum and dad if i didn't agree with something they said. I remember when i was about 12-13 i was so angry with dad as i felt he was picking on me for no reason, so i yelled down the stairs to him to just f**k off and leave me alone. with that, he stormed up the stairs into my room and gave me one heck of a beating on the backside. lol. Another time when i was 15, i had been arguing with my mum so she called me a prostitute (i know, terrible isn't it). Of course i wasn't going to stand for that, so i slapped her hard across the face and refused to talk to her for 2 whole months. She thought she could make it up to me with a can of coke and packet of crisps. lol.
When i was 16 i left high school having passed all of my GCSE's. I then went onto college to study the BTECH 1st diploma in Performing Arts and i also worked part time at my local tesco supermarket. It was at college i got my first boyfriend (which only lasted about 3 months. lol). I didn't have much of a social life because of this, but i didn't mind. Anything had to be better than being at home.
I left home shortly after that just before i turned 17 and found myself in Southend. I stayed with a friend at a friend of hers and dated a few guys during my time in Southend. One of the guys i dated i ended up splitting with because when i was 17, (not only did he slap me hard across the face) but a friend of his (who was p'd off because he wanted his sister to be with the guy i was with instead of me) spotted me one day when i was out with a friend and knocked me down in the middle of the street with his car. Luckily i wasn't hurt to bad. Just a few bruises. lol. The guy i was with didn't believe that his friend would do such a thing. So we split. Lucky me. lol.
I ended up moving back to Chelmsford for a while. I went from the night shelter to my aunt and uncles in Danbury...........To be continued

Up and down childhood

This is the first time i have ever done a blog, so please bear with me. lol. Ok, here goes.
My childhood was anything but ideal. Whilst i am sure that my parents loved me and my sisters (and still do), they never really showed it in the way a parent should. My father would spend his days in town drinking tea out of polystyrene cups from the market and swapping cd's and videos with his friends. Mum would stay at home with us kids but had no real time for us. She was always so busy with the housework. Everything had to be spotless. Whilst i can see that this was a good thing in some ways, it was also bad in the respect that us kids were constantly ignored.
I remember i would ask mum for something to eat or drink at lunchtime or if i was thirsty. Mums response was always the same. ''in a little while''. An hour would pass and i would have to ask again. Again i was met with the same response, ''in a little while''. Except everytime i asked, mum would become more aggitated as she was busy with the housework. So me and my sisters (my brother hadn't been born then) would just have to go without as we were not allowed to help ourselves. Life was pretty boring when we were not at school. We would have to entertain ourselves. More often than not this would lead to arguments as what one of us wanted to do, the others did not. lol.
To be honest, i always felt like the odd one out. I was never hugged or kissed on the cheek and i don't remember ever being told ''i love you'' by my parents.  They didn't have a clue how to raise us. Infact, i remember mum and dad saying once that the only reason they had as many kids as they did was for the extra child benefits money.
Now don't get me wrong, we did have some happy times, like when we went on holiday to Butlins, Skegness. lol.