Moving on

I got back to Chelmsford and the first thing i did when i got off that train was light a cigarette. I sat at the bus stop outside the train station puffing furiously on my fag. The lady next to me was giving me funny looks and tutting, but i really couldn't care less. After all, she had no idea what i had just been through. How could she possibly understand? I finished my fag just in time for the bus to come along. I climbed on the bus, payed my fair and sat down. How was i going to explain this to my parents? How could they understand? Would they want to listen? Would they even believe me? That last question was the one that bothered me the most. I kept thinking about it through the entire bus journey. When i got to mum and dads, i just sat there for ages trying to avoid telling them. They wanted to know why they hadn't seen me for so long. Why i hadn't been in touch. All of a sudden it just came out. I couldn't hold it in. So i told them everything. Mum stood staring at me. Dad sat staring at the tv. Neither said a word. That really hurt. All i wanted was for them to throw their arms around me and tell me everything was going to be ok. That it wasn't my fault. And most importantly, that they loved me and would support me. They couldn't do that. They preferred just to forget i had said anything. I went to stay with my nan for a while. I got a job working in JJB Sports when it was in the high street. I didn't last long in that job as i felt victimised by the female manager. So i quit. I ended up back in the night shelter and was moved from there into a house share that was also owned by the shelter. It was during this time that i met my next boyfriend Charlie. He was so different to the guys i had been with before. He really was sweet. He was supportive. He ended up moving to Harwich so i moved upto Colchester to be closer to him. He was a massive support when John Ramsey went to court. He had been on remand for 7 months before it went to the crown court in Lewes, Sussex. Unfortunately Charlie couldn't be with me at the court case where i gave evidence via video link. But i understood. It couldn't be helped. I was put up in a hotel the night before the case at the expense of Sussex police. The hearing itself was quite traumatic. The cross examiner kept trying to make me out to be a liar. Although i do understand that is his job. I went back to Colchester the day of the hearing after i had given my evidence and i had a long wait before i found out the verdict. Not guilty. Those words cut through me like a knife. I remember thinking that if someone like John could get away with doing what he did then what exactly is the point in carrying on. I started making myself sick. I even attempted cutting my wrist with a fork. But i didn't do it properly. Thankfully. I went onto anti depressants and had counselling. The tablets helped a little but the counselling didn't. I couldn't see how a complete stranger could possibly understand. And besides, i found it really annoying how they would sit there nodding their head saying 'hmm yes' every few seconds. I decided that i couldn't put myself through this. So i forced myself to get a grip. I didn't want to let John win. I couldn't let him win. With Charlie in my life it was easier to deal with. I was with Charlie for a total of 16 months before we split. But we always stayed good friends. I got on with my life, dated a couple of other guys and just tried to put the past behind me.